a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
