did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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