The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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