I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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