I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
