I need help removing her.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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