maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
