and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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