I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
