You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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