I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
