how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
