he wants to bone in the snuggie
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
