How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
