are you so shy because you have an std?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That accounts for only three of the penises
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
