god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i love accidental penises.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
this is an emotional support booty call
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
