He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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