I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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