saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We have started to decorate penises.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
