I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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