i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Say something about gay babies.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
