I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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