You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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