I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
