The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
