Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
