if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
