My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
