we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
