Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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