It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
