Apparently you make a good broom.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
