so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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