obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
