How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
