his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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