Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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