took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
