You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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