I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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