If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
