my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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