we have pet lesbian snakes
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
