Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
