If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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