The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
