The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
