I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
