I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
