dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
