Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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