i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
