Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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