I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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