highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
