I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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